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3/20/2009 就快一年了。。。有点莫名。。。居然在法国已经呆了快一年了。。。日志也居然许久没有动过，呵呵，都长毛生霉了 Rennes最近都是温暖的阳光，湛蓝的天空，玫瑰一般的晚霞，有点象昆明，又比昆明还惬意，不知不觉就醉了 2/19/2008 与政治无关日志很久不动，恋爱谈的昏天黑地。虽然也不是什么轰轰烈烈的壮观场面，但是也两小无猜的厮混了一番。一个人时间多寂寞也多，闲着没事就想东想西学人家思考。两个人不寂寞了，但是干点别的事情的时间也消磨没了。终无完美，还是在什么境界就学着享受什么境界，别城里城外的像沈先生那般忙活却两不痛快。
今天跟沈先生见了个面，听他说了下杭州机场的暴动事件，着实的感叹，不说点什么睡不踏实，就来唠叨唠叨。
他说，民族的脆弱性在那么一点小灾难面前暴露无遗，坐飞机的感情都算素质高点儿的了吧，那个慌乱到惊恐到盛怒到暴力的过程，就那么一眨眼就溅开了。浩浩荡荡的破坏阿…如果说第一天机场瘫痪是天气的错，那第二天的瘫痪就绝对是破坏和秩序混乱的结果。三十多架飞机停着没办法起飞，外面飞进不来里面飞出不去。倘若人们能多点理性多点善良多点包容，效率怕是能提高10倍。他说想想咱政府咱党也不容易，那么大个国家，那么多脆弱的民众，能保证不出乱子真不是件容易的事情。不愚众怎么控制？
他的大多数观点我是同意的，但是关于政策性的愚众，我觉得是双刃剑，你可以愚他别人也可以愚他，看看那些骂政府骂得一塌糊涂的，而跟风的人群又有几个真的理性思考的。
我想得简单，没有战乱，也算民乐安生，进步还是一点点有的，挺好，想那么多干嘛呢？坏的骂好的顶，关键是安定。等大家都会用法律上诉，也真能诉的时候，大概就是法制社会了吧，哈哈。
我不关心政治，因为沈先生说政治不是请客吃饭，谁没有个利益关系。何新说，咱是新国家主义资本主义…挺饶舌。这本书我帮沈跑了4个小时去买，冰天雪地的哈尔滨我那个走啊。可惜我没有看过。我懒，我喜欢认识聪明的人给我说书，不用自己废劲儿看。再说，他说书的时候我还能打魔兽呢。
沈还说上帝的存在是因为人类并不完美，说得真好。我知道Jens觉得人们相信科学，博爱一样可以活的充实，不需要上帝。可是向他那样的人能有几个呢？这般自信这般坚强这般善良。对于绝对的大多数，也许还是需要一个道德准则来遵循，以保持和放大我们淳朴善良理性的一面。讨论这个的时候，请只是单纯想想博爱平等的简单面，抛开那些宗教法庭宗教迫害宗教统治的黑暗历史，宗教的政治面跟所有政治一样，无二。
外国mm问我为什么支持这个政党？我说我没有支持它，只是我也不反对它。但是对于一些关于它的错误评论，总还是坏脾气的想反驳一下，希望foreigners能从另外的角度想想而已。别书上说的就全当真了。大概九年义务制教育的思想道德课在我内心深处埋下了深深的爱国情感…
说来说去，我是真的不关心这些政治问题，只是心里的善良作祟，梦想着全人类都充满了怜悯之心，哈哈哈哈哈…………..疯掉了，不知所云。 12/20/2007 迷茫......emotion事业有点迷茫，感情也开始有点迷茫了......
其实不敢奢求什么完美的恋情，什么天长地久地老天荒，什么山无棱江水竭乃敢与君绝，什么一见钟情缘定此生......
不在乎长短，只是希望每一次投入都是100%满分，就算此生无缘也无怨无悔...就像Linn说的，为了将就结婚而结的婚情愿不结，我也是情愿孤单一辈子也不要大家不愠不火的将就。反省，问题是不是出在自己身上？ 投入得太快太彻底？记得菲菲说过，讨厌自己太容易陷入，最后弄得自己遍体鳞伤。想想自己大概也这样，没办法掌握步调速度遥控器，或许不知不觉反而给对方造成无形的压力。
某个早晨看报纸，一个三十多岁的女子不无哀怨的对年轻女子说，在你不能确定对方的心的时候，千万别毫无保留的给与。
可是怎么能看到别人的心呢？讨厌搞心理战术，讨厌复杂的东西，讨厌玩小花招搞小测试。 只是希望一切都简单幸福，不需要思考，一个目光就感觉安心，嘴角咧开就放肆的欢笑。
不想太多，走着走着的看吧，但愿只是自己太敏感，一切都会好起来，相信    10/21/2007 Good times...:)最近过得都很开心，虽然上周度过了一个魔鬼星期...终于还是挺过了黎明前的黑暗，准备迎接曙光的到来， a new week is coming
昨天晚上作了个非常神奇的梦...真的酷到极点，完全意想不到的故事和结局，于是...我居然大笑到肚子痛醒过来，然后闭着眼睛听见自己控制不住的继续大笑10分钟...差点没有吓死隔壁的Thomas同学...（这可怜的孩子，大半夜跟闹鬼一样）
记得去年大概这个时候，有过从梦里哭醒到现实的经历。事过境迁，年年岁岁花相似，岁岁年年人不同。一切都慢慢从好的方向在发展，就享受开心的每个时刻吧, just enjoy it.
家里的长者都很有意思，生怕我嫁不出去似的，总想着法子给我安排点相亲...我知道他们都为了我好，都希望我快乐，遇到好男人，好婆家，快点嫁人，别变成老姑娘...可是这种迫切的心理有时候还真的可怕，特别是一群小老太太坐在一起的时候就热烈的开始交换照片了，上帝啊。
从来没有相亲过，总是觉得很可怕，很尴尬，而且各自把自己包装得跟待出售的商品一样，惴惴不安的揣摩对方的心思，或许之后还要等介绍人传达想法...就算对方再怎么不值一提，自己再怎么自信满怀，还是有种竞争性的拙劣心理作祟。倘若听到什么让自己不削的未来论断，也不能真做到了然无谓...
也许试试也无妨，当多认识个朋友，也接受下各位长者的一片好心。再者我也有点好奇blind date到底会是什么样子...好奇心阿，总是...
另外，今天下午有神秘邂逅哟~~~~居然在太平洋门口碰到高中坐我前面的1米95...突然怀疑自己是不是做梦回了昆明...诺大一个城市，还能碰到4千米以外的人...这种几率，跟买彩票中奖一样。看来我左眼乱跳肯定要来财了，oh yeah，明天就去下注2元 Back from Hongkong...I spent a weekend in Hongkong, nice place, as well as amaizing.
What I mean amaizing, it's not because of its urbanization and modernization...I feel suprised that they can buid so many high skyscrapers intensively on the small island, and even on the mountains.
I have to admite that they use the earth very effecient, and they even built the walking brige almost covered the city to separate the walking and driving, to effect the transportation and convenient for ppl. They even made gardens above, like ancient Babylon. But it's really a concrete world, cold, fast, convenient,indifferent...But the sea, the small green islands, the quiet beach, the birds, are sweet, they coloured the city.
Anyway, when you standing at the top of the mountain of HK island, after sunset...you can't help yourself to shout...what a big city with bright light.
HK is a quite special city I know, and I was expecting this trip too. But at that moment, I wished I were in Zhongdian and watch the beautiful starry sky peaceful and quite, with my head leaning on the familiar shoulder... Memory is a kind of poision sometimes, hypnotize you tenderly and you would never wake up again...
When can I see you again, when can my heart beat again... (babyface--for the cool in you)
8/31/2007 Memory...不知道应不应该写游记, 主要是图片已经记录了一切, 而文字,想要表达又碍于词穷, 而琐碎的记录又让人无心阅读.
或许这些也都不全是原因, 害怕回忆可能才是根本. 迷惑, 究竟是只要有过美好的回忆就足够? 还是干脆就彻底忘记,没有美好也就不存在失落, 中庸平凡默默无闻也就应了父母那代人的光荣号召.
明天出差,然后准备利用便利顺道去香港看下. 睡觉了睡觉了,回来找时间再一一道来 :) .....good night. 8/26/2007 End of the vacation......back to reality飞机于夜色中落停在机场的刹那，我知道旅行彻彻底底的结束了.
必须说，这次的旅行真的很愉快，很久很久没有这么放松开怀安心得流浪过了. 一望无际的草原，辽阔的沙漠，平静的湖泊，还有很棒的陪伴一路牵手走过，真的可以说是perfect.
可是当梦境结束，回到现实的刹那，新的落寞于无比的空洞再一次汹涌袭来，措手不及......有点恨自己，总是那么一脸无所谓的坦然和什么都不在乎的骄傲. 其实当人去楼空以后，才安静的忘记坚强解去伪装，满目惆怅的瘫坐在地上软软的不能自己的瑟瑟发抖...
究竟是我放逐了自己的梦，还是自己被梦境放逐到了时间的尽头，再无法回头...
All I need is love and be loved...quite simple, quite difficult...
7/17/2007 Fall in love alone...I remember one day, I saw a sentence from a friend, said: To love is nothing, be loved is something, to love and be loved is everything......
.
SO
.
I fall in love alone means......NOTHING! Great.
How stupid I am that I can't put down all the things and let it go, and how stupid I am to persist . Yes he said he likes me, but what does the like exactly mean? Can it change into something deeper and tender? Why I persist in getting the result, no matter good or bad?
Now I'm afaid of the day to meet him again 3 days later. I'm so happy and counting days one by one, although he comes here not for me but for an event. However,the day is nearer, more nervous and anxious bothering me. Sometimes I prefer that I would have no chance to see him again, and to bury my feelings with times...
He is a stranger, I think I only know a few things about him, and he hasn't opened the door of his heart to me yet. I'm not sure that the door will be opened or not, but I have tried to knock it for long times. If it is still shut till now, I think it's the right time to stop the knocking and give up
 Then, I have nothing to regret, I have tried my best already, and the rainbow will come out later after the rain......Think about the good side, I should
 6/23/2007 Growing up...长大最近慢慢发现,长大的代价是惨重的......亲吻甚至是性,比爱上一个人要容易的多......多么可悲......特别是男性, 用下半身代替了上半身的思考.
女孩好些,再无情的成长,内心深处还是有脆弱的触点. 毕竟是水做的, 感性, 博爱, 细腻...
远远记得小时候,
给喜欢的男生递水都发抖的日子......
第一次收到玫瑰傻笑一个下午的日子......
勾着小指头压马路的日子......
早自习开始了他却还不在座位上开始担心胡思乱想的日子......
打电话给对方需要用暗号的日子......
每天下课在走廊里跟他擦肩而过就会觉得幸福的日子......
唉, 就算自己还会爱, 可是还能遇到会爱人的他么?
鄙视男性!!! 6/13/2007 Make a Wish :)匆匆的一年很开就过去了, 又长大一岁...
差点忘记买蛋糕给自己...... 晚上冲进蛋糕店的时候,就剩下大的那种,唉. 于是买了两个漂亮的小蛋糕,许愿和蜡烛最重要,蛋糕大小是无所谓的. 可是营业员说小蛋糕不送蜡烛,买也不可以. 可怜兮兮的说: 自己给自己过生日,买大的吃不下的...小姑娘语塞, 打开柜子翻了半天,给了我一个1字蜡烛,和一个红色小字牌,写着生日快乐^ ^ 这样也好,不用在意自己多少岁了, 1====>代表着成长了一岁, 比其他任何数字来的富有意义.
回到家,把蛋糕放在小茶几上,小心的打开,幸福的看了好半天......然后找roomate借来相机, 这个还是北京提醒的,说发给他......
于是, 烛光温暖了蛋糕,温暖了我,温暖了夜晚......roomate小夫妻唱着生日歌,我闭着眼睛许愿...如果能实现,如果...
然后折腾着拍了一堆片片,给好朋友和喜欢的他都发了,嘿嘿,再执着一次.
是啊,10年了,菲菲说===>还是好朋友,还是无话不说,还是不需要掩饰,甚至比小时候还真实还坦诚的面对自己和对方. 喜欢自由的彼此,喜欢傻布拉吉的彼此,喜欢口无遮拦的彼此,喜欢互相勉励的彼此 :)
不是分手,不会那么珍惜朋友
不是分手,不会那么爱护自己
不是分手,不会那么思考未来
不是分手,不会那么勇敢改变
不是分手,不会那么找寻梦想
谢谢一直在身边的朋友,猪,鸭子,啊达,R, 死神,还有新认识的你们,我渺小的生活因为你们而精彩, 没有男人又怎么样,算什么,哈哈.
Say peace, I love all of you my friends, and hope to walk with you along the road forever 6/9/2007 Be brave be happy!! Again T_T!It's not the first time for me to say this: be brave be happy......
But it's like a circle, I mean the mood, sometimes you just feel so depressing suddenly, without reason, and a few days later repeat again and again and again......
I'm a happy girl actually most of times, but it seems I only write stuffs when I do not feel good...so...it might leave bad impression that I'm always feel unhappy, haha. Unfortunately, I do the same thing now. Maybe write down the unhappy things can throw it away from inside of me and lock them in the diary book or blog :P
After talking with Judy for a whole night, we got a conclusion that I request too much. At first, I simplely said that I just need a boy that I have feelings, it's quite simple right? haha, but later, we discussed what kind of boy impressed me, what do I mean of having feelings? Then...... came out 123456789......nice, kindness, can't be very ugly, clean, sporting, love music, romantic, not too short, not too high, has own opinion, calm, not narrow mind, mature but also cute, smart, independance....... Look, horrible........ so, I think I have to prepared to live along for a long long long long time after....... sad result huh?
But maybe it comes in a sudden, I mean love, haha, I still dream of that simple shock in a second. Like last year after broken up with my ex, I thought that I would not fall in love again in a long time. But later, I met one impressed me and gave me the illusion of love...I still remember the tenderness and sweetness happened last year. But yes it's just illusion, not truth. I misunderstood that and made myself falling deep inside that illusion, that dream, and now can't wake up. It's like a person seeking water in the hot desert, and following the illusion of oasis. I don't know how to persuade myself that it's just a illusion, not real oasis. It seems my mind just wants to find out the truth..... And then, there is only two result:
a. It's real oasis, then I get survived.
b. It's just illusion and I would die for thirst.
I'm trying to find other oasises and not following this one, but it is still attracting me a lot that I don't want to give up and hope to testify it's real or not.
To insist is brave? Or to give up is brave........?
5/29/2007 What's the problems with me......I have no idea about what's wrong with me, I hate myself a little bit this moment.
But what else I can do? I tried, tried to give up, tried to hold on, tried to take it easy, tried to express how I feel......I think it's time to stop the mess, no metter I want or not. I should listen to my mind, not to my heart. Although ppl always say that listen to your heart, it's not always like that.
It's very interesting that, everytime when I decide to do something silly, I throw a coin...and everytime, the coin said no..... but I never followed the coin, and went on with the thing I want. So, I'm not a superstitionist I bet :D All I do with the coin is hoping to get some support, but faild......So, even a coin wants to stop me, does it mean that I'm too strong and against all the opposing votes? Or, it means that what I did is really too silly and too wrong.......
Ok, pls face the reality, he will never love you, he likes you only just like a friend, that's all. You can't live on the nice ending stories you write, and expecting too much of it. The world is big, open your eyes and heart, you will see more:)
 Anyway, still full of thanks, he changed some part of me and my life  5/9/2007 Everybody got their own problems...J's annoied by her father and bf stuff......
Z's ex broken up with her new bf, which is my best friend too...
F is ill but have to dealing with the bothering things happened with her mother and bf and other 3rd, 4th,5th boy, haha,my poor girl...
J told me that her little cousin got serious disease, and may die if he can't get right organ from others...
......
And me? .......I read something from the website one day, about the horoscope, said that my whole destiny will be influenced by my emotion a lot. I don't know it's ture or not, but seems that till now, emotion really lead an important part. This moment, again, the emotional things begin to make my mind growing out some new strange plants. I'm not sure it's beautiful flowers or ugly wet grass, those little new things makes me wanna change. People dare to change, most of us. Scare of loosing the exist things, failure, new hard working and effort.......but in another hand, never satisfied with the present situation. I always think about a lot of ideas, but didn't make real effort till now. I said that I need someone kicking my ass off to give me energy to start first, but is it ture? I doubt, why can't I just get the energy from inside of myself? Then I began to complain............I'm still weak deep inside of myself, maybe the very plain and boring life is what I deserve, if I still weak like this. So, I hope the emotion now can give me good support, to help me get out of here and change myself, and do what I really want.
Tomorrow will be a new day, dear Agnes, time goes too fast, don't waste it. Too all my dear friends too, treasure your life time, and be the very real yourself :)
Peace!
4/28/2007 Party Alone.......一个人的party才最寂寞...
朋友们都惊讶我能经常一个人出去party, 佩服无比. 可是其中的寂寞又怎么能三言两语带过. 如果有一起出去的朋友,也不用自己穷折腾了.
最要命的是,我有点兴趣去的地方,都是鬼佬,我孤零零一个人往哪里一躇, 国人看见八成以为坐台的，鬼佬看见八成以为投怀送抱的,他妈的不管自己多么愤愤, 总不能举个牌子写:啊拉非鸡也!!!
唉,管人家, 自己开心就好了. 但是说真不在意是装的. 我他妈骨子里头还是地地道道传传统统的Typical chinese girl, 虽然没人相信,当我说这个话的时候.
真不知道是我的悲哀还是听众的悲哀, 那么明显"无辜"两大字写脸上,这些家伙还不长记性.
睡觉睡觉, 想念也好,忘记也好,继续也好,放弃也好........睡觉前坚决不想让人失眠的话题, 恩恩啊啊.
Bonne nuit , Agnes ^ ^ 3/28/2007 New ending!!前天的日志........作废
其实飞下来击中我得压根不是什么爱情, 而是鸟屎, 彻头彻尾得鸟屎..........
只是由于重力加速度得原因,造成了强烈冲击,以至于大脑震荡半天没有回过神,还产生了幻觉.
好了, game over
back to the blank again!!
加班让我精疲力尽,回来得路上情绪失控.眼泪莫名得涌出.
突然觉得好累,好想有人依靠,好想有人能在这个时候拥我入怀. 地铁站里人山人海,可是看不到自己小指头上红线的另一个终点. 3/26/2007 Another beginning :)意外的爱情, 从银河系外掉下砸中我的脑袋瓜子......请允许我发呆三秒
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ok,回过神来...
一切都不在意料中, 有点飘飘然了. 虽然自己又做了蠢事,也许把一切都毁了...不过现在看来,至少暂时还没有毁灭的迹象:P
简单一点,简单一点点, 现在只想这样子,这样子就好, 有人牵我的手压马路, 搭着我的肩看电影......不贪心,不贪恋.
虽然很清楚的知道, 这不是我的终点站,不是我的泊船港......请容许我休息片刻, 一下下就好.
Enjoy today, enjoy this moment, enjoy this second...Let it be.
2/27/2007 something in my mind回到上海了，却突然又想回家了, 就跟在家的时候想念上海的时候一样.
孤独无处不在,不管自己逃到哪里,还是如影随形的,也许应该淡然一点.
Mr.S不无感叹的跟我说他后悔了,有的事情做的太糟,虽然自觉无脸跟我提这些,还是暗地希望能重头走过.
可是我真的一点感觉都没有了, 心不再感觉到痛的时候, 爱也一样泯灭了,什么都不留下. 不知道很多年过去以后会不会因为回忆而重新燃起些什么情愫,无法预测.至少现在,我想他说这些话的时候大概已经过分的晚了.
每年回去初中都有两个人特别的想见.
一个是我会直接说出来约出来见的,总是觉得很亲切的老朋友一般.也许因为以前喜欢过,但是只是同桌的你那种,很简单,跟性别无关的喜欢,淡淡的,一直的. 每次跟他见面也好电话也好, 总不会拘束.不知道他是什么感觉,他是否也把我当一个值得挂念的老朋友?
另一个是我几乎从来没有主动约过的,总是靠着其他同学聚会的各种借口等别人约他出来,就算电话也都是各种乱七八糟的理由, 然后还要顾做镇静无视状, 那么多年好象都没有正眼看过他. 走之前跟他打了好久电话, 大概10年没怎么说过话,真的不知道自己在说什么.虽然说起很多以前的事情,可是真的太遥远.他说他最希望做朋友的女孩子那个班里就是我,可是那么多年的距离,不是那么2小时电话就补起来的. 我们都是小心翼翼害怕被伤害的人, 所以才会这样彼此关注着却都保持了相当的距离. 我想我变了一些,比以前直接,不然我也不会走之前给他电话的. 每次跟他接触, 都跟走沼泽一样,呼深呼浅, 前一秒感觉很温暖,仿佛回到了过去,后一秒又感觉到失落.
很多年过去,总有些人一直在内心留着印子,摸不去挥不走. 偶尔一些回忆会勾起一片涟漪, 荡漾开去.等平静了,心也回到现在了. 不知道现在这片涟漪要多少时间可以平复下来......
唉,每次春节收假就开始思乡,比节前都厉害:( 2/14/2007 年终总结...严肃点呵呵,很久没有用中文标题了，不知道为什么用英文标题...........反正习惯了
反省下过去的狗年.....唉.....混乱的一年
不知道该怎么说自己,还是长不大,而且有点欲速则不达的味道. 以为自己可以从容应付很多事情,以为自己可以对自己的行为和决定完全的负责.事实上,太多意外和难以控制的事情的发生,使得自己力不从心,一个陷阱爬出来,另一个陷阱跳下去. 总觉得自己够谨慎了,但是这个谨慎过分表面. 三句话我的本性就暴露了.......每次换新环境都想改过自新塑造新形象:P 结果...........每次必然失败....还是那个有点傻乎乎的丫头,丢人啊丢人.
猪年,我老爸本命年...60了....岁月不饶人啊...感叹下,自己也要努力了. 一定要做点事情,往什么方向都好,迈一步也是进步(不是坏方向就好- -!!!)
a.好好学习.....
b.严肃对待恋爱问题, 不能闹了. 自己不是能折腾的主.
c.好好对待各女朋友,不然下次失恋不会有mm安慰了.
d.对老爸老妈更好一点...
e.开始理财,为了旅游也好,嫁妆也好,事业也好.....不能乱花了,一句话.
f.爱惜自己,让自己更好^ ^
g.学会把不切实际的幻想排除,从实际出发,reality reality reality.....
h.更加乐观.
就写这些吧,多的写了也做不到,嘿嘿. 总之,让自己成长,做个好女孩(女人?...) fighting fighting fighting
明天回家了，开心开心,把这一年所有不快乐的倒霉的事情都抛开, 好运会和春天一起光临的 :) |
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